Friday, June 24, 2005
1 am
It's 1 am and I can't sleep but I find myself watching Dr. Who and thinking. I went to see my Crazy People Doctors this morning. I am off the Lexapro. Much dizziness involved in going off Lexapro. I'm on Wellbutrin. This actually addresses the depression, well so far anyway. But it does nothing for the anxiety, panic attacks or lack of sleep. So today she put me on Klonopin. Does address the panic attacks and anxiety but does nothing for the lack of sleep. **sigh** So I'm not sleeping, but I feel a bit better and more functional about things. Perhaps I will at least get some writing done this way.
Had a very good discussion with the shrink today. I really like this guy. He asked me to read something I had written so I read him the rant I posted over on my other blog. Apparently I am channeling a great deal of anger. This seems to be a result of my frustration over a complete lack of control or ability to do anything about the occurances of the past 4 years. He thinks I have control issues anyway from the last time I was seeing him. Meh...could be right. My assignment for the next week is to write more, there is a publication he gave me to read and I am to finish reading Shogun. We talked about Blackthorne's transition from Westerner to Samauri and it parallels the journey I have to make. He tells me the Tarot card I need to concentrate on, the goal I need to reach is that of "The Fool".
The Fool introduces us to the Tarot with a sweet, innocent smile. Like a newborn babe, this man/woman/child with eyes wide open and complete trust in his surroundings has not a care in the world, save his immediate needs... and these he pursues fearlessly. Notice his stance, the look on his face, the dog barking at him. Nothing seems to bother him, not even the precipice he is about to walk off of!
This gentle Archetype is at the beginning and end of our journey through the Tarot. The Fool represents the human spirit, born in complete innocence. From this tender beginning, we experience the trials of life, striving throughout to find those things we need - basic security, love and connection, reason and understanding, and the spiritual drive to keep moving forward. Then, we die with the knowledge and wisdom we have gained through material existence - only to relinquish it for a time in order to return to that perfect bliss of pure spiritual existence - the Fool, once again released to his heavenly origins.
The Fool then is only a complete Fool for an instant at birth, and slowly but surely loses his innocence. From time to time we each touch upon this pure sweet energy. To be able to hold onto this gentle spirit that lives within us, our child-selves, and feel the power of perfect grace, is a gift that we may hopefully embrace and cherish.
So why does the Fool saunter so aimlessly toward grim death? The answer is simple - The Fool is not concerned with life or death. The Fool simply is. Were it not for the Sun, our fiery star - there would be no life. The Fool is the breath of fire, the wind, first consciousness of the beginning of life. He is of the Sun, and he is the Son of heaven. His optimism is boundless because he has a direct link with the world of spirit - the crown chakra is open to the light. He is barely aware of the barriers and negative forces that exist on the material plane - and herein lies the Folly we on earth perceive.
We each carry at least a bit of healthy fear and doubt to warn us from courting disaster. Most of us do not operate on complete trust and faith on a daily basis. But when we do, the experience can be likened to euphoria, epiphany, heightened levels of adrenaline, or a deeply meditative state. In such moments we may be capable of amazing, death defying feats and heroism. We unite with the highest spiritual force there is. Most who have such experiences are changed forever, and may seem to either lead a charmed life, or possibly feel overwhelmed by the absolute power. While we may cherish such experiences, the world is not all bliss. Although it can be at times, the reality is - blind faith without some cautionary force to balance our actions can bring grave disaster in the material world.
Those of us who live our lives more prudently may feel exasperated by those others who seem naive and foolish - the ones who actually step off that cliff and make perfect idiots of themselves. Yes, maybe they appear to be fools, but at least they were not afraid to take a chance, and this is the raw power behind this archetypal force. The lessons one learns from having tried and failed are that much more potent, and we are all better off living in trust rather than in fear. Those who dare to embrace the tremendous hope and fearlessness the Fool represents are one step closer to pure joy, and to achieving the knowledge that we are indeed perfect, blessed and protected... if only we believe
Much the same as the Shinto, the Jedi, the Buddhists. **sigh** I know on an intellectual and even spiritual level that he's right. But it is so far beyond my comfort level the thought of it scares the crap out of me. I'm sure I'd be having a panic attack thinking about it if this Klonopin didn't work so well.
My brain is still a shattered mess. I can't focus, concentrate, on anything. I have to go back to work week after next. I'm an administrative assistant. It's my sole purpose to focus, concentrate, organize, keep things on task. What if I can't. What will I do? How do I let that go? How do I be the Fearless Fool in the face of that?
Craptastic.
posted by Unknown
at 12:57 AM ::
~#~
(3) comments
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The Fool introduces us to the Tarot with a sweet, innocent smile. Like a newborn babe, this man/woman/child with eyes wide open and complete trust in his surroundings has not a care in the world, save his immediate needs... and these he pursues fearlessly. Notice his stance, the look on his face, the dog barking at him. Nothing seems to bother him, not even the precipice he is about to walk off of!
, at
8:21 AM
