In Remembrance of Me

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Spring is here more than it's not these days which is good and bad. It's good because the kids can go run around outside and get rid of all that pent up energy from winter. It's bad because I HATE hot weather. It got up to 80 yesterday. Yuck. If it would stay between 60 and 70 all summer I would be a happy camper. Aidan has started the Love/Hate portion of her relationship with Ian. I guess this will continue for about the next 30 years. :oD She constantly wants to do what he does but at the same time she hollers at him and bosses him around. It's a riot. The last few days with the kids have just been a joy. Not too much misbehaving or flexing of toddler boundries so it was more of a bonding time than usual. I only had to doom Ian once. How cool is that? Ok, Aidan did get one swat on the butt for hitting me in the face. I really need to do some research on this hitting thing. The fact remains though that since then while she does still hit, it's much less and much less hard when she does it. She seems to be thinking about it more.

I have had quite a struggle with corporal punishment ever since my own childhood. After what I went through with my dad, I swore I would never spank my children. But as time goes on and I see how some of these children are who never get swats my opinion changes somewhat. We have given Ian swats on the butt for extreme punishment since he was two. He has never had more than two swats and I can count the number of times on one hand he has had to have a swat in the last 6 months. We always have a long talk afterward and try to process what happened and why. I don't know if part of the reason is because I just feel so darned guilty about it or what. I keep telling myself that it's not the same thing as what dad did to us. Ian has never been whaled on to the point where his legs and butt are red, swollen and bleeding. We have never beat him til he can't breathe and thrown him on the bed told him to quit crying or we'd give him something to cry about and slammed the door. But I swear, every time I have had to put Ian over my knee and give him a swat, I get that image in my head. I have recurring dreams where I am trying to give Ian a swat but I can't get my arm to move or my arm will go limp just before contact. (I don't think we need Jung to interpret that one.)

Aidan is getting older. I can see a time when we go visit Mom and Dan when they are going to want to send us out and have some quality time with the kids. I don't think I can avoid telling Mom much longer about what Dad did to me. She asked me once and I denied it. I didn't think any good would come of telling her. It certainly wouldn't make me feel any better. No need to make her feel worse. But I can't have him left alone with Aidan and I am going to have to make that clear to Mom. I don't suppose she would just say ok and not ask any questions or think anything of it. Cr**!

Geez I am being morbid lately. Somebody just smack me!! :oD I will try to cheer up before next entry.