In Remembrance of Me

Monday, April 28, 2003

*sigh* Ok. We had the meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday. I think I have finally processed it. She is mailing out her final report today. Ian has been officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. For his everyday life, this really isn't a bad thing. For his overall life, I don't know yet. I absolutely DREAD him going into public school with this lable. I fear that teachers and administrators are going to take one look at that in his file and from then on he won't be Ian the wonderful, funny, happy, extremely intelligent kid, he will be 6 year old male Asperger's Case in Mrs. Such and Such's Class. From that point on they will feel justified in not working with him or teaching him or treating him like any other kid because he will be considered "disabled" because he has a "diagnosis". I feel like I have to take an adversarial stance with every member of the educational community before he even gets into the system.

Mary Jane (the psychiatrist) said that "intensive intervention" was called for now, while he is still in preschool, to prevent these complications in public school. Pragmatic speech therapy, social skill coaching and other such things. But how is this going to effect Ian? Is all of this going to give him the feeling that there is something wrong with him? This is what I have been fighting so long to avoid. There is nothing wrong with him. But if he is going to speech therapy and having someone with him at school doing this social modeling and intervention with him, will he feel odd? Will it make him feel different and bad? How can I as his mom prevent that from happening? If I try to prevent it from happening will I only make it happen or make it worse?

What if all of this work doesn't help? What do I do if he starts school and the kids start teasing him because he is less socially adept? Christ, who isn't socially inept on one level or another. Mary Jane said he has a wonderful self esteem right now. How long can I help him keep that before it gets squashed by kids being the sadistic little monsters they can be? Unless I hermetically seal him in a cocoon and keep him in his room, I suppose that regardless of his social skills I can't protect him from the less attractive aspects of humanity forever. Will I be able to help him be secure enough within himself to withstand that assault? Will he be strong enough to say "I really don't care what you think because I know I'm great?"

I never had that kind of strength as a kid. I never had a sense of self esteem. I don't know what it would feel like to have that strength at that age or if kids his age are even capable of it.

Damn. I wish he had a better mother.